


broken toy soldier (or, the ca:cw mid credits scene didn't happen}

by particularlyexistence



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Mid-Credits Scene, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Violence, death mention, mental health, this is really rambly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6879667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/particularlyexistence/pseuds/particularlyexistence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight Train.</p><p>also known as: i'm angry about the mid credits scene, so I needed to fix it. By rambling about the Winter Soldier trigger words.</p><p>The mid credits scene of CA:CW didn’t happen and Bucky is working with T’Challa & some of the doctors on Wakanda to heal. </p><p>CA:CW spoilers ahead. Canon compliant until the mid credits scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	broken toy soldier (or, the ca:cw mid credits scene didn't happen}

**Author's Note:**

> I will forever by angry @ Markus and McFeely 
> 
> [unbeta'd and rambly - this is just me trying to help myself cope with my bucky feelings.]
> 
> follow me on tumblr @sgt-bckybarnes
> 
> *mentions of death, BRIEF mention of child death, violence, mental health, etc

_Longing_

Steve. Home. Want. Brooklyn. Warm. These are the things he thought about during his early days as the soldier. Bucky did anything to forget where he was, whom he was with. He said as much to T’Challa and the doctors, who nodded and took some notes on their clipboards. He knew Steve (and Sam and Wanda) were looking in from the other side of a window, that they could hear everything. Steve had insisted that he be able to be near Bucky for this and Bucky didn’t have the energy to argue.

  

 _Rusted_  

They would threaten him, as time went by, that failing missions would result in him being in cryo longer, his arm not having the maintenance it needed, it would rust. It scared him – not because he loved his arm – but it was the only thing he had. It was the only thing he could remember having. One of the doctors hummed quietly, scribbling something down in quick, messy handwriting.

 

 _Seventeen_  

Bucky was seventeen when he finally admitted to himself that he loved Steve Rogers. He had felt something for a good while by that point, but he’d been trying very hard not to think about it too much. Until he had been walking home from the docks after work and heard a woman shout, men laugh loudly, then Steve’s voice –

“Leave her alone!”

Bucky turned down the alley quickly and saw Steve sitting on the ground, back against the wall. His nose was bleeding and his fair skin was already starting to bruise. Bucky just looked at him and Steve looked back, eyes still glinting with annoyance.

“They were – “

“I know,” Bucky interrupted, helping Steve up and throwing an arm around his shoulders, “C’mon. Let’s go home. I think we have something frozen for that bruise.”

Steve smiled at him shyly, allowing Bucky to lead him back to their small apartment.

In Wakanda, Bucky shook his head, knocking himself out of the memory.

 

_Daybreak_

Sometimes when they would bring him out of cryo it would be the middle of the night; sometimes it would be early in the morning. The only way he knew was when he left for his mission. The cryo chambers were in a dark, isolated room. It had no natural light, so it was impossible for him to distinguish times of day when he was brought out of cryo.

He could remember, now, a time in Brooklyn when he couldn’t sleep. At around five thirty in the morning he had slipped out the window, onto the fire escape and sat there, looking at the store owners opening shops, businessmen disappearing into the subway. Steve had slipped out the window to join him a bit later; the sun had just started rising, spreading warm light across the city. Steve had sat next to him, pausing for a moment before joining their hands, still shy. This whole thing – them – was pretty recent and Bucky looked over at him and smiled, squeezing his hand.

  

_Furnace_

There was one time when they had threatened to burn him, because he had missed a shot and alerted security of his presence.

Bucky had never really liked fire, but now he couldn’t stand it. He would flinch if someone flicked a lighter near him, was unsure of himself if he was in the kitchen while the stove was being used. Everyone knew this now, so they all did their best to keep fire away from him, seeing the wary expression on his face anytime it was close.

 

_Nine_

The age of his youngest victim. He had been the son of a wealthy bureaucrat. The Soldier had been instructed to kill him quickly, efficiently, because his father needed to know that Hydra was watching him.

Bucky had dreamed about this killing a few weeks ago, waking up and springing from bed, running and retching into the toilet. Steve had felt him move, heard him in the bathroom and got up, following him. He had pulled Bucky close, holding him while Bucky practically hyperventilated, panicking. Steve listened to Bucky tell this terrible story and stroked his hair, kissing him gently when he’d finished speaking.

 

_Benign_

Nonthreatening. Kind. They had used this to mock him, make the Soldier feel weak and powerless. It had provoked him, made him angry, made him more willing to fight.

  

_One_

One soldier. The best soldier, the strongest. After a few decades they had begun branching out and creating more Winter Soldiers, but until then Bucky was the only one. He was important to Hydra, because he was at their beck and call. All they had to do was pull him from his chamber, say a few words, and then he was the most important, strongest weapon Hydra had.

 

_Homecoming_

They would taunt him with this, towards the beginning, when he could still remember Brooklyn. Sometimes when they would wake him he would cry out for home, for Brooklyn, for Steve. They realized this was a weakness and quickly began trying to take any sense of home from him, keeping the word on his trigger list, just to amuse themselves.

  

_Freight Car_

This. This was the final word in the sequence because it was the strongest. Hydra had lied to Bucky, telling him that Steve had died, that no one was coming to save him. Piling guilt and shame on Bucky. He could remember the train, for some time, speeding down the track, slipping, trying to grab Steve’s hand, falling down ... down ... down ...

\------

After the session was over, Bucky stood weakly, walking to the exit. When he opened the door, Steve gathered him in his arms, holding him close, protecting. They stood there, just like that for several minutes, Bucky breathing shakily, trying to center himself.

Finally he looked up; blinking at Steve and Steve looked back and offered him a small smile, which after a moment Bucky returned. He would be okay. Eventually.


End file.
